Gori Sings the Blues

This week has been disappointing dance-wise. I started off exhausted from a show, only to find out later in the week that I didn't perform up to expectations. I also got worked today in my private class so I feel like I'm in even worse shape. Being all tired, mentally and physically, I feel like if I see another ankle bell I might go crazy.

At least the costume looked nice

What if I quit now? It's not like dance is my job. I wouldn't be deported (I think - don't quote me on that). I would lose some sunk costs, but I've dished out less than half of the thousands of dollars for all the expenses so far. The thing that I couldn't handle, though, is the disappointment.

First, I would disappoint my teachers and dance colleagues. I'm not Indian, I'm not even American, I'm very new to my classes (only 3 years compared to 5-10 for the others), but I do feel connected to them. They've invested a lot of time in me in spite of all cultural signals screaming "THIS PERSON DOES NOT BELONG!".

Second, I have some very excited friends and family schlepping cross-continent and borders to see this thing. While most of them can't pronounce 'arangetram' (though some of them are getting it these days), and are foggy on the whole concept, I can tell they're enthusiastic. The saris and kurtas are locked and loaded.

Third, I would be (cliche!) disappointing myself. The closer I get to my arangetram, the bigger the challenge it seems. It's been my goal since I started dance in 2003 as the awkward 20 year-old white woman in the back of Shankarananda Kalakshetra's class for children 5-8 years old. I never thought I'd get this far. In a lot of ways, the Bharatanatyam world is binary: the arangetram'ed and the non-arangetram'ed, and the world does not round up.

Thus, quitting is not an option.

But I have 3 months to go, and mentally I want cry, pout, and nap in some combination and forget about it all. My main comfort (aside from having awesome family and boyfriend and job and apartment and basically the best life ever) is that a year ago I was equally despaired about my job. I had just experienced the most massive professional failure since graduating from school as the project I was working on crashed in a spectacular and non-recoverable. After months of feeling unmotivated, I turned to a few mentors whose opinions I trusted and followed all of their advice. I minimized the amount of unproductive work I had, emphasized projects with strong growth potential, and defragmented my day to get the most out of the time I was putting into work. Now, I love my job again and I don't feel like each day is a struggle (at least not in a bad way).

For dance, I don't have months to get it together. My plan for now is to basically throw myself at the mercy of my dance teachers and do whatever they say. We'll see how that goes.